Personal Journey This article was originally published in Triathlete Magazine, 1999 I do triathlon because I love it. I have a passion for the sport burning inside of me. A love for the outdoors, a love for feeling fit, a love for pushing my limits, challenging myself to reach higher levels of speed, strength and endurance. When It comes to racing , there is nothing like the adrenaline rush I get lining up at the start against the world’s very best. Knowing that my goal for the day is to give my absolute all, do my very best and see how I measure up. The challenge, the thrill, the agony of defeat, the ecstasy of success, all of this being the heart of triathlon, the fuel of my heart and soul. When I learned of triathlon’s inclusion in the 2000 Olympics, I was ecstatic. I have dreamed of competing in the Olympics for as long as I can remember. Holding neighborhood Olympics on my street as a kid. Living out my dream in a fantasy which had as it’s fairy tale actors all the other kids of my neighborhood willing to share in my game. Now, this fantasy actually had the potential to become a reality for me. Triathlon, my absolute passion, now on the Olympic program, really, a dream come true. Question was, how do I go about turning my own Olympic fantasy into reality. Was I capable? Do I have what it takes to be an Olympian? I was filled with excitement, fear, anticipation and doubts. Now that this was indeed real, I wanted to make sure that I did whatever it took to make my dream a reality. All I knew is I was going to figure out a master plan, a plan devised with the ultimate goal being making the USA Olympic team. I would follow this plan to a tee, so on judgment day, whether I was first or last, an Olympian or not, I would know that I did everything in my power to be the best that I can be on that day to optimize my chances of making the team. I finished off the 1999 World Cup season in 4th place for the 99 World Cup series. I was highest points getter for the Americans and ranked 2nd behind my friend and great competitor Barb Lindquist. Having accomplished this, I could at least say that I would have a good chance of making the Olympic team as long as I continue to get better and better and can rise to the occasion on the big day. This was confidence building but I knew what it really would come down to is that one Olympic Trials race day. As we all know, anything can happen in these drafting races, there are so many factors beyond your control. You just hope that on race day you have a bit of luck and good fortune on your side. What I did have control over however was preparing myself to show up at my very best on race day. I believed that the best way to prepare myself for this challenge would be to live in Sydney, Australia. Seeing as though the Aussies have been dominating our sport for quite some time, I thought it best to go live and train down under. I moved to Cronulla, a beachside town in south Sydney. A beautiful spot, home to many highly motivated, and talented athletes. The area is known for it’s superb swim programs and challenging terrain in the National park for running and riding. My plan: to rent an apartment, live alone, and give my heart and soul to my training program given to me by my amazing coach, New Zealander, Jack Ralston. The idea of going solo, being that I would be entirely responsible for myself: responsible for taking good care of myself by cooking healthy meals, getting plenty of rest and taking care of my mental and emotional needs. I would be solely responsible for motivating myself, and honestly giving myself either a pat on the back for a job well done, or a kick in the butt for a lame effort. It was all up to me. I saw this as an incredible opportunity to grow as an individual, to really become one with myself and thus fostering a true and honest inner confidence which would give me the strength to achieve my dream of making the Olympic team. In a way I liken my whole outlook to the Wizard of OZ. Like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion, I was off to see the wizard. My wizard being Sydney and my period of isolation in Cronulla. Alone, fending for myself determined to find that added courage, a new understanding of myself and what makes me tick and to feel and live each moment of this passion I was feeling inside. Just like the trio who were in search of the Wizard, I too was looking for courage, brains and heart. The Olympics became the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow which was my personal journey. The Sydney Trials were to be the opportunity for a perfect rain which would create a full and glorious rainbow that would lead me to that pot of Gold. Therefore, Sydney became my Judgment Day. April 16th, capable of occupying my thoughts, and driving my every action each and every day leading up to it. In the process of training with the utmost enthusiasm, focus and determination, my mind, my body and my spirit, I was unconsciously locking myself away into a too tight space which could only admit one result, Olympic Selection. What this did was create an incredible amount of pressure which I mistook as a rising tide of passion, already near overflowing, for my Olympic dream. Cronulla was a wonderful home for me. It’s appearance beautiful, it’s spirit, totally inspiring, and it’s core made up of an amazing group of energetic and determined individuals. Great in every way, but, the way in which I was I conducted my life while being there was very foreign to my natural existence. I had many opportunities for a more social way of life, but because I felt that I had to do things differently now, in order to achieve my goals. I tried to be solitary as much as possible. This would give me a better chance to be one with myself and really pay attention to my needs and my progress. In some ways, it was as though I was trying to dehumanize my very human nature. Trying to become impervious to pain, warmth, love, and flattery. Deep down I missed my family, my friends, my pets, my home and my normal “full of life” life but I ignored all of this, hardened myself and reminded myself how I needed to do this on my own. This would make me stronger , this would be a true accomplishment, this would fulfill the ultimate requirement of proving myself to myself. I felt as though I was on a spiritual mission, out to find the very secret, the very essence of my being. My faith being a great companion, I didn’t feel alone. I became personally empowered and derived great strength and comfort in knowing that I was doing everything “right”. In the Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion journeyed to meet the Wizard to find those things they wished to possess within themselves. Upon meeting the Wizard they were shocked to hear that they already had brains, heart and courage, they just didn’t realize it. I too, in making it to OZ, discovered that so many of the things I was on a mission to find or create within myself through my isolation, were already present and flourishing within myself. I had courage. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I didn’t have it. Courage is the necessary fuel one needs to fill up their engine with while embarking on a journey to achieve a goal. I had brains, and a mind, and an understanding of myself and the type of things I needed to do to increase my chances of Olympic Selection. Of one thing, I am sure, I have heart, passion, desire and an amazing ability to let a dream completely fuel me and fill me with total joy and determination. Once I graduated from Brown University in 1991, I set off on my own and since then have worked to support myself. I have done everything on my own, so moving to OZ, alone, wasn’t anything different. But, what was totally foreign to me was leaving behind my incredible support crew of family and friends who fill my emotional bank with the amazing assets of love, support and joy. I had even told my Mom, my greatest supporter and best friend, not to come to the Trials in Sydney, as I needed to do this alone. The day of reckoning arrived., April 16th. The fact that I saw the trials as such was an indication of how warped my vision of what it all meant had become. I had always raced for the true pleasure of it, as a celebration of my hard work, the incredible adrenaline I get from the challenge of measuring myself against the world’s best and for reaching my best. This day was different. I was hear to be first American across the line, I was here to make the Olympic team. Flashing lights and ear piercing sirens were going off in my heart and mind but my temporary deafness and blindness to all things real for me prevented me from noticing. The gun went off I felt ready to go. Absolutely ready to lay it all on the line and throw each and every last egg into this basket. I was psyched to see my swim training had paid off, I was hanging in right where I needed to be, right on Michellie Jones’ feet. On the far buoy just before heading back to the Opera House, I got pummeled rounding the turn. In the two seconds I was pushed under the water, I lost about 2 meters, just enough to make it impossible for me to work my way back up again. The group moved further and further away from me, leaving me in a position I had become truly comfortable with over the last 6 months, off the race course, alone. When I exited the water 10 seconds behind the lead group, my mind and heart were focusing on doing whatever it took to catch back up again and make things happen. I got on my bike and started hammering away intent upon reaching the pack. My body however seemed to have completely shut down. I had no power over it anymore. Nothing I could say or do would get it to perform the way I know I had trained it to over the last 8months. I was giving it everything I had yet going nowhere, feeling completely exhausted, which in turn left me mentally defeated which meant the only thing that was happening is that I was choking. Yes, choking. Even the all time greatest athletes in the world have choked at some point in their life. This time it was me, on the most important day in my career. Who made this the most important day in my career, ME. Who had put all the incredible pressure on me making this a be all , end all situation, ME. Who choked under pressure and was thus learning an incredible lesson in life: ME. I was fully responsible for my actions and had absolutely no excuse for my horrible performance except that I choked. Obviously, this was the most devastating event in my career. Much more so than my crash at Worlds in 1999, where circumstances were totally out of my control. In this situation, I had full control and I lost it. I learned so much from this experience. The first thing being that the magic one needs to achieve their goals and dreams isn’t out there to be discovered, it is already within each and every one of us. I already had all those things that I ventured off to Australia to find, except of course the warm climate and great racing opportunities. I also had the courage to work towards making my dream come true, the wisdom to know how to go about doing that, and the passion for the sport and secret to my own success already intact. I didn’t have to do anything different. I had been successful in 1999, now all I had to do was keeping doing the things that I had been and let myself progress naturally. Most importantly, my goals for racing had always been just wanting to do my very best and reach my potential on the day. The winning, or the making of a National Team would happen on it’s own, without my thinking about, just as a result of my passionately performing out there with excitement and joy. This is what I forgot in Sydney, this is what I left behind. But now, heading into the Dallas Olympic Trials, I am reunited with all that makes me and all that comprises this incredible passion I have for triathlon. I will go out there on May 27th, psyched to race, ready to accept the challenge, confident in my ability and secure in my thinking that I deserve to make the team. I need to just get out there and perform and have fun, the results will take care of themselves. If I make the Olympic team, I will be the happiest girl in the world: A lifelong dream come true. If I don’t make it, sure it will be an incredible disappointment but I know I will pick myself up again and continue to work my butt off to become the best that I can be and enjoy all the future races, with my support crew out there on the sidelines cheering me on , Olympian or not. Back to Articles Page

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